for nick

we said, phone conversations are hard.
we said, we don't mind how loud you guys are,
we thought we'd talk over any amount
of hot topics. for all the drinks we set
on our laps, our horrible spit,
the time i reminded you that i had never,
never, never been happy and sat back,
i saw how smart you were, how smart you'd always been.
how you'd never asked yourself,
it just came up when you remembered.
i've never, never, never been intelligent, i said.
we ate that sticky soup, the diet flavor,
and socked our tummies when they grumbled.
we danced and kissed in front of pals
and held our arms, heads in each other's laps
on lawns and at work and you said, too bad i don't like girls.
you're like my last girlfriend in high school,
your blue bra lights up the room. too bad i don't like sex,
i said, and you smiled, smelled my shoulder.
it was spoon fed love that spoiled us, then distance
kept spilling and pills.
oh, to be shaky on a porch with you again,
waiting for the rain to come down heavier.
to braid the back part of your head,
touching all the hairs the way a new love would never feel to,
combing out the tightness in jerky little sighs.
i want, i want, i want, we said, too sorry
for the time.